Today marks the thirteenth anniversary of the first restaurant meal I shared with The Editor after he moved to London the previous day. I could not dine with him that day as I had been detained in a loony bin and I was not allowed out until The Editor came and soothed my doctor’s nerves with his promises of me not getting riotously drunk. We dined at a shit bistro in Chelsea but tonight we dine somewhere far finer: The Bangkok Brasserie. As we will be dining at a top Thai establishment I thought I would give you tips on how to order in such restaurants.
First up: How not to order. If you say anything akin to “Not too spicy, please”, you will be served vermin-grade filth that the chef correctly thinks you are fully deserving of as he assesses you as a pathetic scumbag with no respect for the wonderful food of his country. “Not too spicy, please”, “Not too many chillies”, “I do not like hot food”, are all effectively insults to someone who makes Thai food with love, and should you be a big enough arse to spew one of these cretinisms you should consider yourself lucky the chef does not come out and slice you in half with his biggest carving knife.
So, what do you say? The phrase that will guarantee the best food the chef is capable of making is: “I would like what the chef would like to eat, prepared as he would like it”. This praises the chef, his taste and the food he makes whilst challenging him to excel. If you waiter or waitress starts to offer you options you just repeat this phrase or, “I would prefer to leave it to the chef to pleasure me”. You will not go wrong with this simple advice.
Oh yes, one last thing: you drink Singha beer with Thai food. Even that nigh-universal food match, German Riesling, can struggle with the powerful, complex flavours of Thai food, so you drink Singha beer with Thai food, not, under any circumstances, wine. Now you are set.