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A comparative jerk-off

My sister sent me three novelty types from Australian jerky. It seemed only reasonable to compare and contrast them all together in one session. The pictures show each packet with a few pieces of jerky on top. These are all described as ‘the great Australian taste’; just how great it is we shall see…

Kangaroo jerky


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When opening this the slight aroma of rotting cardboard was released, which did not inspire confidence. This aroma was also coming from each piece of jerky; this did not make me want to put any in my mouth. But I did, and by arse did I wish I had not. It had the texture of wax-soaked cardboard and the flavour was much the same but with a strong character of decay. Chewing it was hard enough as it kept releasing more of the filthy flavour and as I was in company I didn’t feel I could spit it out. By arse, I swallowed something this grim; I felt sullied.

Emu jerky

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This smelled even worse, not just rotting cardboard but also a quite pronounced decomposing meat character. This went beyond ‘well hung’ in terms of its off flavours to reach the awful heights of ‘horribly decayed’. With my stomach still churning from the filth kangaroo jerky putting a piece of this malodorous vileness in my mouth would be a challengingly nauseating experience. By freaking arse, the taste of this thrashed the kangaroo offering in terms of ghastly favours of total horrifying severity. My to my chagrin it was quite strongly flavoured; more than a tad irksome as the mouldy meat flavour was making my stomach churn with every second I had this terribleness in my mouth. I closed my eyes, pinched my nose, thought of England and swallowed

Crocodile jerky

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There is no nice way of putting this, but it looked and smelled like congealed vomit. Congealed vomit that has gone more than a little rancid. I really didn’t want to taste this, not only because I didn’t want to hurl but also because I thought I lacked the necessary skills in derogatory language to accurately slag it off. However, I thought if I described it I may be able to prevent someone else from making the mistake of putting some in their mouth so I broke of a tiny piece and began chewing. By all that is repulsive and abhorrent the rotten taste of sick this possessed challenged the imagination with its revolting character. I’ve eaten some really horrible food in my time, that visit to the [link2post id=”1098″]Quick burger joint[/link2post] is a good example, or anything from the Woolwich loony bin, but for as long as I have my faculties I shall avoid crocodile jerky like a dose of particularly colourful dysentery.

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